pero como estas de gorda. porque no comes?

i am witnessing firsthand the socialization of a little girl into an adolescence and adulthood of body dysmorphia and a dysfunctional relationship with food.

they pooped on her body. and then airbrushed it. yep.

cachetona.
nalgona.
que llanticas que tienes!
pero eres divina, divina, divina!
gordita!
mira tu celulitis!
no come nada esa nina.
come mas!
no comes tanto!

these are things said to or about and in front of my six-year-old cousin. she’s wonderfully charming, precocious, and bossy. unfortunately, for her, she soaks up the world around her like a sponge.

she is the only child in this colombian house of dramatic and chatty adults. she spends all her time with them, conversing with them and listening to all their chismes. i grew up with these adults as well, but i had my cousins and my sister to interact with and distract me. she talks exactly like they do. which is very creepy coming from this little spit of a thing.

i see her watch them talk. i see her hear every thing. including the way the women speak about their bodies.

que flaca estas!
mira aqui me celulitis que feo.
oye pero ella esta bien, bien, gorda.
que nalgonas tengo yo.
nunca voy a estar gorda como antes.
y la nina ya esta engordandose.

these things were all said in front of me as a kid too, and i have been battling their effects as well. but to see it happening to another young woman is horrific. i try to praise her for something other than her appearance, and try, in fact, to never mention her outfit, her looks, her hair, or anything at all. she seeks validation around these things because she knows it’s a sure-fire way to elicit glee in others, and i refuse to bite.
que pecado.

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About trying not to touch anything

living in a space where i am half packed, or half unpacked, depending on how you look at it; going somewhere else; wanting to write about my misadventures on a planet i don't feel like i should be on

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