since january of last year, the idea of working -even as i was actually working- was like a swirl in my stomache. a pit in my chest. i woke up every morning with dread in my heart. the u.s. hamster wheel was the knot in my shoulders.
i bought my freedom, and it’s served its purpose amazingly well. i feel revived, and the only reason i know this is because when i think of work and the straight world, i feel ok with it all; at peace. maybe even excited again.
granted, that wasn’t to be my sole purpose here. my intention wasn’t to just pep talk myself back into being a good, complacent yuppie. i wanted to internalize detachment from all the bits related to the square life; from all my silly routines and habits and belongings. i feel more willing to adapt and let go of expectations and objects. there’s no other way to be in the carribean, really. whether this translates back to english, i won’t know until i get there. which is why it’s time to go back. being here is like running in place and stirring up dust. i’m not going anywhere, but i’m not being still either. this would be ok, except i’m also being destructive.
no recycling, no composting, bottled water, styrofoam, plastic bags, working for a wasteful gringo empire, eating meat, and using up resources in a place where they are scarce… i’m not creating anything and i’m not helping. i’m better off back in the west coast bubble inside the devil’s claws where my footprint can at least be a little smaller. it doesn’t help that i miss my puppy and i’m out of money.
if all else fails, i let it all go and leave again. now at least i know i can, and i know i’m good at it. that knowledge is likely the greatest thing i bought for myself. i highly recommend it.