right in the shitter: a literary stand-up performance piece

this is a transcript of my thoughts recorded live in front of a like-minded audience.

how’s everybody doin’ tonight?

[hoots and laughter]

cool. we all enjoying the spoils of capitalism?

[hoots and laughter]

yeah, capitalism can be rough, man… i mean, it’s uh-may-zing, don’t get me wrong. [laughter] but, y’know, it requires that there always be some people struggling at the bottom y’know? and the hope is we have a system that helps rotate folks through the bottom and climb up out of it, and the cycle of life, or struggle or whatever, continues.

and, in the meantime, a lot of us have to sort of make ends meet through “gigs.” y’know, the gig economy is pretty strong these days. i’ve had some good gigs for a while… i’ve been parking bikes for a long time, some babysitting, some sex work… [laughter]

and sex work isn’t as easy as it used to be. [laughter] tech bro johns aren’t cruising in their ubers down capp st., y’know… [laughter] now, you gotta get online or get an app… and the market is just super saturated. [laughter]

plus, i only do ass work… [laughter] and i know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “well, she’s got a niche market. she must be doing fine.” [laughter] but since everyone has an asshole. [laughter] well… i don’t want to be an assholist… or is it orificist? [laughter] ok, most everyone on the gender spectrum has an asshole… right? [laughter] so, there’s a lot more competition… [laughter]

what i’ve discovered though, these days, of all the wuhn-derful things the tech industry has brought us… [laughter] like indifference and white men… [laughter] is a deregulated economy where everything that used to be illegal… like picking up passengers in your car or running illegal hotels… is now legal! [laughter] it’s a wonderful time to be a capitalist! [laughter] we’re just sharing, y’know? i don’t want your money. [laughter] i just have this thing and we’re gonna trade it for something you have. like, whatever’s in your wallet. some paper currency or your credit card number… or whatever, dude. totally chill. [laughter] actually, no, just your credit card number. [laughter] and complete access to your phone so they can steal your thoughts. [laughter]

so, with this new entrepreneurial spirit, i’ve decided to airbnb my anus… [laughter]

have any of your ever been on these sites? or signed up? i mean, they’re pretty cool. they’re totally disrupting… humanity and decency. [laughter] they offer you this easy to use appy website thing to help connect you to johns or visitors or whatever to share your space. and they’re not like pimps either. [laughter] they’re just a platform to help people share currency for sex or products. i mean, they do take a cut and they don’t care if your shit gets smashed… but not pimpy at all. [laughter] they’re really chill. [laughter]

anyway… first you have to describe your unit, as it were, and i had to think on that one but i just decided to be straight to the point, y’know? so i typed in *pretend to type on keyboard* “cozy, back-door getaway.” boom. [laughter]

and then, they want you to put a picture up, and y’know, everyone has these beautiful 360 panoramic shots of their dwellings, and they’re all staged, like they’re renting out pottery barn… is pottery barn still around… [laughter] aside: it’s sad when you grow nostalgic for shit you hate, huh? that’s when you know it got bad…  [laughter]

so anyway, i haven’t been to yoga in like ever so i just didn’t have the reach *act out reaching behind me to take a picture of my ass* [laughter] wasn’t gonna work. so, i taped my phone to my dog’s face [laughter] cause that makes sense, right? and kinda’ crouched in front of him *crouches and spreads butt cheeks* [laughter] but i forgot to switch the camera around, cause i had been banking selfies earlier… [laughter] and so all i got were pictures of his face. and you should have seen it… i’ve never seen such a look of surprise and hope in my life, like “oh my god, we’re really finally doing this. ok, keep it cool, man…” [laughter]

so that didn’t work… [laughter] i decided it might be best to just be mysterious, y’know. everyone loves mystery. so i put up a lovely picture of a brown starfish at the bottom of the ocean. [laughter] right?

then you have to describe your place… [laughter] so this is my blurb, tell me what you think: “nestled in a small community of cheeky neighbors, ease your way into this ‘off the beaten path’ posterior unit. it’s a tight squeeze, so just one person per night, please! wifi available! bleached upon request.” [laughter] is that ok?

then, you can like put in all the amenities, so i was like pets ok? *check* [laughter] well, there is a kitty like right around the corner. [laughter] doorman? kind of? sure. *check*  [laughter], wheelchair accessible? hell yeah! *check* [laughter] smoking allowed? probably. *check* [laughter]

so that was it! super easy, right? and then, i didn’t find anything about maximum number of nights and that kind of worries me cause while i’m sure in time i’ll start expanding [laughter], i just don’t want to be put in any compromising positions right away, y’know? [laughter] plus, i mean the maintenance fees alone. [laughter] i’ll probably have to put in an irrigation system or something. [laughter] hire a landscaper. *rolls eyes* [laughter] and now, y’know, i’m just kind of concerned about it all, but… i’m sure i’ll reap rewards in the end. *wink* [laughter]

you guys have been great! thanks! [applause]